What do you do if you're defensive about feedback in your professional life?

Acknowledging emotions is a difficult issue. After all, we are in the midst of feeling strong emotions and that's usually the most difficult time to stop and think, let alone acknowledge what we are going through. It's much easier to feel anger or self-pity vs keeping a cool head and think about what has happened rationally. As a goal-oriented person, I've found that the sooner I come up with a plan, the sooner I can acknowledge the emotions and come to terms with them. Often the plan can some from the person who just gave me the feedback.

In my own experience, as a PM, receiving critical feedback on a product launch strategy has once triggered a huge sense of self-doubt. Taking a moment to acknowledge these emotions allowed me to move forward with a clearer head. So as a career coach also, I guide my clients to acknowledge their initial emotional response to feedback, whether it's surprise, frustration, or even defensiveness. This self-awareness is the first step to processing the feedback productively.

What is going on physiologically in these situations is that your brain has detected danger and your nervous system has flooded your body with adrenaline and cortisol. Sometimes in these situations, it can feel like you can't take a deep breath because it's visible. A great way to get your nervous system calmed is to distract your mind and get into your body. You can do this by feeling your feet on the floor or you bottom in the chair or the pen in your hand. Focusing in on something like how your toes feel in your shoes will both calm the mind and your nervous system so that the blood that's gone into your limbs will go back into your brain and you'll be able to think clearly. The bonus is that it's visibly undetectable in the room.

Feeling a sting when critiqued is normal, but understanding this initial reaction helps prevent impulsive responses. Take a moment to breathe and process these emotions without judgment. This pause allows for a more rational and constructive approach to addressing the feedback.

If you find yourself wanting to defend yourself and present evidence to the contrary to what you're being told, try phrases like "I'd love your help in understanding [difference between their perception and yours]" or "Can you share more about what you mean by..." or "Are there examples you can share? I want to make sure we're on the same page." Not only will these questions give you clarity, they'll also force you to take a beat before launching into a defensive mindset.

When a colleague provides feedback on a product launch strategy, I actively listen and ask clarifying questions to fully grasp their perspective. This helps me identify areas where my initial plan could be strengthened. Likewise, it is important to seek clarification before you feel defensive and reacting rationally.

Evaluate the validity of the points raised and compare them with your own perceptions of your work. This process aids in distinguishing your self-worth from your professional actions, fostering a mindset where feedback is seen as a means for improvement rather than a personal affront. Engaging in objective reflection often yields actionable insights that contribute to enhanced performance.

It is important not to let the feedback become a dead end. We need to use it to develop a plan for improvement. Show your willingness to learn and implement the suggestions. For example year, based on feedback, I researched data visualization best practices and redesigned the visuals for the next presentation.

Express gratitude for their input and outline your strategy for improvement. This approach cultivates a collaborative atmosphere where feedback is viewed as a constructive tool rather than a point of contention. Open dialogue strengthens trust and demonstrates a commitment to ongoing growth and excellence in your professional endeavors.

Keeping the conversation going is important. You can update your manager or colleague or team on the actions you're taking based on the feedback. For example, I showed my colleague the revised presentation visuals and appreciated their initial feedback that helped elevate the overall impact of a product with best practices of data visualizations.

You need to shift your mindset to view feedback as a positive thing, as an opportunity to learn and grow. We can express appreciation to those who provide constructive criticism. Usually, I thank my colleague for taking the time to provide feedback, emphasizing that it allowed me to refine my skills.

The answer I have given to countless employees and clients is LOOK WITHIN! If you are defensive about feedback the problem isn't the feedback, it's you. Rather it's a life encounter that has a hold on you or a professional scar that just won't heal, it's truly YOU. Yes, all feedback isn't the best, but in my experience the only time I got defensive about it was when there was some truth to it. In our lives we have those unseen spots that we aren't aware of so when someone points it out its foreign and it's scary. But if you can get past it, that's where the fear ends, and the breakthrough begins.