Do You Have to Ask Your Future Sister-in-Law to Be a Bridesmaid? Etiquette Experts and Real Brides Weigh In

I was dating my husband Marc for less than a year and a half before we were engaged, which didn’t give me a lot of time to forge a close relationship with his only sister. But Marc comes from a big, close-knit family, where sibling bonds mean everything. Two of his three brothers got married before our engagement, and both brothers’ wives asked my husband’s sister to be in their wedding parties. I felt the pressure to follow suit, even though I had a closer connection with other friends.

As it turns out, that pressure was somewhat misguided. “Although it’s a nice gesture, etiquette dictates you’re not required to ask your sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid,” says Elaine Swann, lifestyle and etiquette expert and founder of The Swann School of Protocol. “But the truth is, there are so many variables that go into making that decision and the answer to this question needs to be determined on a case-by-case basis.” 

Traditionally, this request has been considered a polite ask, adds Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas. “Even if you don’t have a direct allegiance with your future sister-in-law, you probably do with her other family members. So you may want to consider the long-term repercussions and potential hurt feelings when it comes to your partner’s family if you don’t ask your sister-in-law to join your party.”

What’s ironic is my sister-in-law, who married 10 years after my nuptials, didn’t invite any of her four sister-in-laws to be in her bridal party. When asked years later about her decision, she responded she thought it would have been an imposition, given we all had children and busy family lives at that time. Looking back, she was probably right. 

Ahead, the country’s leading etiquette experts (and real brides!) answer all your questions when it comes to whether or not you should include your sister-in-law in your wedding party. 

Should You Ask Your Sister-in-Law to Be a Bridesmaid?

According to experts, whether or not your sister-in-law should be a bridesmaid all depends on the circumstances. “It could be the case if there was no legitimate reason behind not asking her,” says Gottsman. “On the other hand, if your goal is to keep your party on the smaller side, or if you have friends you feel closer to, or you have a tumultuous relationship with your sister-in-law and you’d be on edge during the entire planning process, it’s okay to take a pass and give her another role in the wedding, like delivering a toast.”

Etiquette to Follow If You Aren't Asking Her

If you truly don't want your future sister-in-law in your wedding party, you likely have a few questions about how to navigate the situation, from how you should tell her (and if you even need to tell her at all!) to what to do if your mother-in-law gets involved. We explore all of those inquiries below.

How should you tell your sister-in-law that she's not a bridesmaid?

“In most cases, there’s no need to offer up an explanation,” shares Gottsman. “I suggest bypassing the topic altogether and instead presenting your sister-in-law with a role that holds some status. Doing so keeps the conversation on a positive note rather than focusing on the fact you’re not asking her to be a bridesmaid.”

That said, if you do have a dialogue, it may be better suited coming from your fiancé if it’s your partner's sister or from your sibling if it’s their spouse. “When dealing with wedding issues, I typically recommend any communication with family to come from the member of the couple whose family it is,” says Mariah Grumet, the founder of Old Soul Etiquette and author of What Do I Do? Every Wedding Etiquette Question Answered. “You can be present, of course, but you should let your partner lead.”

During this conversation, make sure your partner keeps the focus on the facts—and keep emotions or (potentially) tenuous relationships out of it. Maybe you're having an intimate celebration, which has resulted in a smaller bridal party; perhaps you're working inside of a tight budget, which has limited the number of attendants on both sides of the aisle.

What can you do if she reacts poorly?

While you can't control how she’s going to respond, you can be proactive about handling the situation. “If you suspect there may be a negative reaction due to the dynamics of your relationship, be ready with alternative role to diffuse the situation,” says Grumet. And if she talks poorly about your decision to other family members, confront her kindly. “Pull her aside and let her know why you made the decision and why you’ve given her the role that you have. Like in any relationship, this is all about finding ways to communicate and compromise,” adds Swann.

What if your mother-in-law gets involved?

“Politely tell your partner’s mother that you’ll be talking to your future sister-in-law one-on-one,” says Swann. “Say, ‘Mom, I hear you but X and I will be working things out ourselves.” Grumet suggests leaning on your partner when it comes to communicating with their mother. But if this does happen, it might be the time to take a pause and reevaluate. “This is where you have to ask yourself if not having the sister as a bridesmaid is worth the price of a family rift,” Gottsman adds.

Do you have to ask your sister-in-law to be in your wedding if you were in hers?

There’s no need to reciprocate a wedding ask, shares Swann. Grumet agrees—but with a caveat: “I’m a champion of couples doing what they want on their special day, but it's important to balance that with being respectful and mindful of family dynamics. Again, couples need to ask themselves, ‘Is not having a family member in our wedding worth messing up a relationship over?’”

Etiquette to Follow If You Are Asking Her

Let's say you do want your sister-in-law to stand up next to you on the big day; maybe you've had a change of heart or you just want to keep the peace. There still can be some etiquette nuance to contend with, especially if your partner has multiple sisters (and you only want one to be your bridesmaid!). You might also be wondering if you need to ask her to be in your bridal party differently from the rest of your 'maids. Luckily, our etiquette experts have all of the answers you need.

How should you ask your sister-in-law to be your bridesmaid?

“Do what makes you most comfortable, but my recommendation is to treat all your bridesmaids equally,” says Swann. “You don’t have to do anything special just because she’s your future sister-in-law. For example, if you present your other bridesmaids with butterflies that fly out of a box, do the same for your sister-in-law—and not over the dinner table at a family gathering.”

There's only one exception to this. “It’s not necessary to do anything above and beyond for your sister-in-law unless you plan on asking her to be your maid of honor," says Grumet.

Can you ask just one of your partner's sisters to be a bridesmaid?

“There’s nothing wrong with including just one sibling,” notes Swann, “but it’s important to be upfront about it. Make sure you take a moment to have that conversation and call it what it is. You can say something along the lines of, ‘As you know, Amy and I have gotten really close but I wanted to make sure you also play a special part in our day.’ Or, ‘Although I’m limiting my wedding party to three bridesmaids, I’d love for you to contribute by doing X.’”

But if possible, finding a way to include both (or all) sisters in the wedding party is sometimes the best solution, considering the possible long-term repercussions of omitting one or more siblings. And in some cases, instead of setting yourself up for a family feud and a whole lot of drama, the better solution may be not asking any of them at all.

What if the sister-in-law you want in your wedding doesn't get along with your partner?

“In this case, you’ll need to put your partner’s position and feelings first,” says Swann. Gottsman couldn't agree more: “It’s crucial that you and your fiancé work as a team and respect each other's opinions throughout the entire wedding process. Communicate to your partner that it’s something you would like to see happen, however if it makes them uncomfortable, you’ll respect that. It's all about strong communication and a willingness to compromise."

How can you help her feel more comfortable if she isn't close with the other bridesmaids?

“You’ll want to take the time to make formal introductions and explain the history of your relationships when it comes to the rest of the bridal party,” says Swann. “For example, ‘We call our friend Silly Sally because X happened during spring break in college.’ Be the bridge for the inside jokes and conversations that are historical in nature.”

If members of your bridal party live in close proximity, consider hosting a small get together to act as a meet and greet, suggests Grumet. “This way, your future sister-in-law will get a chance to know everybody prior to the bachelorette party, shower, and wedding. If people live in different states, you can consider a group chat or group Facetime to acquaint everyone.”

Alternative Wedding Roles for Your Sister-in-Law

“Tap into any of her talents that could add value to your wedding. Does her green thumb make her the ideal candidate to help out with the florals? Maybe she’s got a knack for doing makeup and hair or she’s amazing at crafts or baking,” suggests Swann. “It’s less about the actual role and more about the gesture that shows you took the time to ensure she was included.”

Here are a few alternative roles and ideas that will help your sister-in-law feel included, even if she isn't a bridesmaid.

• Ask her to deliver a ceremony reading
• Ask her to give a speech at the rehearsal dinner or wedding
• Ask her if she'd like to get her hair and makeup done
• Ask her to get ready with you in the bridal suite
• Ask her children to be flower girls or ring bearers
  

How 10 Real Brides Navigated Asking Their Sisters-in-Law to Be Bridesmaids (or Not)

Still on the fence? We asked several real brides to share how they navigated the common sister-in-law bridesmaid conundrum—turn to their real-world experience as you make your own decision.

• “My husband is one of eight and has three sisters. Two are older than me and there’s one my age who was in my wedding. Mary and I just had a closer relationship. My future daughter-in-law is not having my daughter as a bridesmaid and my daughter did not ask my sons to be in her wedding party. As a mom, I struggle with some of these decisions but I’ve learned it’s best not to interfere.”—Kathy Larsen, Durham, North Carolina
  
• “My husband’s sisters are 12 and 13 years older than me and when I got married, they were in their forties with children. It never even occurred to me to ask them!”—Pam D’Arcy, Chicago, Illinois
  
• “I asked my husband’s sister because I loved her and because she was about to become part of my family. I dated my husband for many years before we got married so I had a lot of time to get to know my future sister-in-law.”—Sarah Mueller, Holmdel, New Jersey
  
• “I was only 23 when I got married and the first of my friend group to do so—I didn’t have a lot of weddings to compare mine to. I did ask my sister-in-law to be in my wedding and she had the additional role of singing at the ceremony. But even now, with more wedding experience, I’d do the same thing all over again.” —Elisabeth Wolfe, Rye, New York
  
• “I had my husband’s two sisters in my wedding. Getting married 27 years ago, I don’t think that was even a choice! However, I’d do it again the same way as a wedding is a family affair and I feel everyone should have a part in the celebration!” —Christine Berkson, Sarasota, Florida
  
• “My husband only has one sister who’s genuine, fun, and all about zero drama! I didn’t feel any pressure asking her to be in my wedding and conversely, I didn’t want her to feel any pressure to say yes. If she had said no, I would not have been offended as I would have known she had her own reasons for passing. But it was important to me she knew how much I valued our relationship. Eighteen years later, and I am so happy she was there with us at the altar.”—Jen Bickerton, Norwalk, Connecticut
  
• “Because I was older when I married, I had no interest in a big bridal party. I didn’t ask my sister-in-law, instead I had my best friend as my matron of honor along with my two nieces and stepdaughter. At that point in my life, they were the females I was closest to.”—Julie Buler, Boston, Massachusetts
  
• “I didn’t ask my two future sisters-in-laws to be in my wedding party because I didn’t know them well at the time. They all lived in different states so we hadn’t forged close relationships.” —Karen Dietrich, Medford, New Jersey
  
• “I didn’t have a traditional bridal party but I did want my future sister-in-law to be part of our day. My husband and I had a surprise wedding in my parent’s backyard. No one knew they would be attending our wedding that day—except for my sister-in-law, who was in on the secret because we asked her in advance to marry us! I loved that she could be part of our day, albeit in a different role.”—Melissa Rappaport, Los Angeles, California
• “My husband has a brother and I have two sisters and we thought it would be nice to extend the bridal party invites to our siblings’ spouses even though my husband’s brother’s wife and I had had some rocky moments over the years. It just felt like the right thing to do.”—Marsha Schiff, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania